Thursday, November 10, 2011

As told by JOURNI

There were times when circumstances were less than what I had desired would cause me to reach for food or deny myself of it’s simple pleasures but now as my relationship with food has changed I take pen and paper or in this case keyboard and Windows and I allow the storm to fall upon the pages as a reflection of the depth of my being the place where life really begins.

I’ve but a few more pages to go and had I known the last chapter would be so intense I’m not sure I would have bothered to read…thinking I may have waited for the made for television version. I credit this story to the greatest of all writers my heavenly Father for it was He that saw my ending before my beginning and it’s in His loving care that I can say I have experience three birthings of sort, first in the natural then in the spirit then after what felt like a lifetime of death where existence was a chore, notice I didn’t say living for in living one must feel and I was void of feelings, vacant, completely emptied out. Were there not pictures I would have very little remembrance of such time guess that’s why it was necessary to capture in time that I may go back and reflect on such for it allows me to see where I was and celebrate where I now stand. My former way of “being” robbed me of much; precious time with my daughter, joy in being the apple of His eye and a self value and love that no matter what was unwilling to bow down to anything that was contrary to His word.

Not sure of the precise moment of manifestation but it came and it declared its self to be courage followed by will, drive and determination…my valley of dry bones were visited by these. I did not debate or deliberate its coming, I surrendered to its moving force that wherever I was going was surely better than where I had been. Every scab, scrape, dead tissue, tear, bruise and damaged good was under the watchful eye of the Creator who moved, shifted, took away, presented, replaced and finally restored. It was done in a process of reshaping spiritually, mentally and lastly physically. This permitted me to take the newly fashioned vassal to stand before love ones and strangers alike. I likened the days leading up to this moment to nesting, much like an expectant mother does in preparation for the arrival of the life she carried inside. How ironic that within me was LIFE and the instant I my water broke (tears) and harnessed my feet in prep for delivery (strapped on my heels) I stepped on stage and gave birth to JOURNI

Stay tuned in as JOURNI continues to shares the conclusion of the first read.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

A Dream Deferred, by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore-- And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?  Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Or does it explode?
Interestingly yesterday’s decision prompted me to recall one of my favorite poems.  Albeit a bit on the dark side it caused me to think about what life was like before I thought it possible to dream and more importantly what could happen should I release my dream/desire due to its delay. 
I knew about three wks ago that I would be forced to make a decision and it frightened me as it felt like sand passing through my hands limiting me the control to contain it…it rendered me powerless yet at the same time it was well within my realm of capability I needed only to follow the agenda as prescribed.  I shared that the first phase of training to compete in Women’s Physique required that I change both diet and training to gain some muscle.  Learned that you have to eat to grow and I do mean eat.  It was much to wrap my head around watching my body expand and the weight to remain in post comp range about 10lbs up from stage weight.  Add to this the measure of focus needed to take into account that I was not returning to a state of obesity seem to reek havoc on my mental stability.  I also had quite a challenge in fueling my body with carbs it made me lethargic to the point after consumption I would find myself resting my eyes past the standard millisecond blinking.  I felt bloated weighted down and most uncomfortable.  I didn’t seem to get enough sleep which made it hard to get up and make my 5 a.m. cardio obligation that required me to rise at 4…just thinking about it makes me woozy.  The irony is I did it before so why was it such a challenge this time around.
Well rather than tell my trainer I opted to take a peek at what was going on in another’s competitor’s camp.  “She’s not doing cardio and she looks fab”…humf…with arms folded across my chest and my lip slightly poked out I pulled the plug on cardio.  I went from doing it sometimes to no times in a matter of days.  Not smart not smart at all
So here I am three weeks into dieting down and the only thing that’s going down is the air that seemingly has been let out of my dream balloon.  But no need to fret, I’m not out of the game just sitting out until my body is better sculpted to effectively represented the type of competitor I am one who doesn’t want to live with regrets, I don’t want to simply do a show for the sake of doing a show contrary to my thoughts and feelings before and lastly I never want to sell myself short looking good is the standard I set for exhibiting healthy living but looking stellar is the standard the stage has set and it’s this level that I must rise not because it pleases man but rather it pleases me. 
See you in September

2011 IFBB

Bodybuilding |  Figure |  Fitness |  Bikini  | Physique
Canada   Mexico   USA
* IFBB Pro Qualifier *

September 2/3, 2011 Cleveland, Ohio

Monday, April 11, 2011

Mental games

It wasn’t my intent to experiment but a very valuable lesson has been learned… coach has changed competition prep from top to bottom (nutrition & training).  Needing to maximize the time allotted, less than 16 wks out from first show of the year; moving to new uncharted territory, not sure what you are trying to accomplish but instinct tells you you will know it when you see it…well when he sees it as I’m really trusting him on this one.  So with the physical changes required I thought I would mentally adopt with great ease.  Boy was I wrong.  While my food intake was nothing more than approximately an additional 300 calories, my mind went instantly into panic mood thinking that I would gain an incredible amount of weight and or that the contour of my body would change to an unsightly pile of mush.  I had allowed this mind trick to invade my day to day existence that I would gag when it was time to eat or feel unbelievably full to the point that I could not eat all that was required to even skipping meals and or lacking the desire to eat all which is counterproductive to the mission at hand.  Goal; to gain as much muscle in small window of time, not gain fat so when time comes to diet down ideal BF% can be reached possibly surpassed.  I furthered this train wreck with pulling all cardio.  The change in training required 45 min cardio which was to be done in the morning.  I’m sure if I gave more thought I would have come up with a doable solution to an already packed schedule or even if I talked further with coach we would have worked something that was more manageable but I did neither.  I took the 24hr test…work hr = 8 training = 2  sleep =6  prep/transportation = @4 to 5.  As you can see I’m left with 4 maybe 5 hrs.  and I’ve not included time needed to parent, run my home, think, chill (disclaimer) I do not train for 2 hrs but there is a 2 hr time frame that I’m in the gym due to travel arrangements.  So where am I to fit this 45mins at the top of my day?  Well this requires that I wake at 4 a.m. do any morning prep needed, take bus to gym at 5 a.m. wait for bus on return route (this is where I lose valuable time WAITING) home at 7 prep/out the door to office by 8….4 hrs down only 20 left and I need 6 of those for sleep).  This kind of mental derailment all but took me over the edge.  While I was successful in doing as prescribed for one week I could not mustard the strength needed to recover from my weekend stroll down memory lane (college reunion) to strapping on my S for Super competitor so I pulled the plug on cardio.   Such a decision netted me 7lb weight gain….no it’s not muscle. 
I now sit with 10wks to go, trainer on vacation and my S staring me in the face asking me “what you gonna do?”  Natural instinct says I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, this may be way the way out of my league, so what it’s a new division it will still draw the best of the best and if I keep thinking, keep writing I will do what feels good to my natural self I’ll back paddle this right off my to do list.  So I’m going to put a gag on my mind, stop listening to my thoughts and just do.  How I come out on the other side I don’t know just that I will be there and not here.