Saturday, May 21, 2011

A Dream Deferred, by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore-- And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?  Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Or does it explode?
Interestingly yesterday’s decision prompted me to recall one of my favorite poems.  Albeit a bit on the dark side it caused me to think about what life was like before I thought it possible to dream and more importantly what could happen should I release my dream/desire due to its delay. 
I knew about three wks ago that I would be forced to make a decision and it frightened me as it felt like sand passing through my hands limiting me the control to contain it…it rendered me powerless yet at the same time it was well within my realm of capability I needed only to follow the agenda as prescribed.  I shared that the first phase of training to compete in Women’s Physique required that I change both diet and training to gain some muscle.  Learned that you have to eat to grow and I do mean eat.  It was much to wrap my head around watching my body expand and the weight to remain in post comp range about 10lbs up from stage weight.  Add to this the measure of focus needed to take into account that I was not returning to a state of obesity seem to reek havoc on my mental stability.  I also had quite a challenge in fueling my body with carbs it made me lethargic to the point after consumption I would find myself resting my eyes past the standard millisecond blinking.  I felt bloated weighted down and most uncomfortable.  I didn’t seem to get enough sleep which made it hard to get up and make my 5 a.m. cardio obligation that required me to rise at 4…just thinking about it makes me woozy.  The irony is I did it before so why was it such a challenge this time around.
Well rather than tell my trainer I opted to take a peek at what was going on in another’s competitor’s camp.  “She’s not doing cardio and she looks fab”…humf…with arms folded across my chest and my lip slightly poked out I pulled the plug on cardio.  I went from doing it sometimes to no times in a matter of days.  Not smart not smart at all
So here I am three weeks into dieting down and the only thing that’s going down is the air that seemingly has been let out of my dream balloon.  But no need to fret, I’m not out of the game just sitting out until my body is better sculpted to effectively represented the type of competitor I am one who doesn’t want to live with regrets, I don’t want to simply do a show for the sake of doing a show contrary to my thoughts and feelings before and lastly I never want to sell myself short looking good is the standard I set for exhibiting healthy living but looking stellar is the standard the stage has set and it’s this level that I must rise not because it pleases man but rather it pleases me. 
See you in September

2011 IFBB

Bodybuilding |  Figure |  Fitness |  Bikini  | Physique
Canada   Mexico   USA
* IFBB Pro Qualifier *

September 2/3, 2011 Cleveland, Ohio