A FALL FROM GRACE (6 wks in the land of IDGAS)

 Ok after today’s accolades and acknowledgements I’m coming clean about an issue that has been seared in my heart to the point that I was slipping into the land of shame.  I last competed Nov, 2011 in the company of close to 1000 of the best bodies the earth had ever produced just to be in the mist of that was worth every hour of training, comp diet, missed social event and other matters associated with being a mom.  Even greater than the experience was the ones who made it possible not only in their tangible contribution but one simple stated sentence…”I (We) believe in you”.

I have been and still remain my own self appointed “clean eating” advocate and would back away from the temporary pleasure of “indulgence” post show.  I think the main contributor to that was as soon as one show ended I was gearing up for the next.  Looking back I had been in competition mode for 17 months (diet included) and while I wasn’t prepared to exit from the sport of competing I had reach a physical, mental and spiritual wall that had you asked me to take one step forward I would have come completely undone.   So before the passion and excitement and the thrill of what I do turned sour I committed to taking time off and when I say off I mean OFF (food, gym and everything in-between)

Jan 2, 2012

 Enter 6 wks of IDGAS…you’re smart you will figure it out.  Now I did not go out and cruise BK/Micky D’s or the like, no pizza or fries not even a fried wing and I make boss wings Imjustsaying.  No I OD’d on clean food…had to laugh at that myself.  Made clean chocolate chip cookies and ate them all, purchased 1lb tub of greek yogurt, 1lb bag of granola and not just your everyday stuff no it was organic and high in protein would eat it in one day too…I think there were in 6 wks  8 jars of peanut butter, 4 jars of almond butter and sugar free jelly for each flavor smukers makes.  And lets not talk about bread….damn Kroger’s had Ezekiel bread on sale $2.99 now you know that’s a bargain…can you say 8 loaves.  Blue Chips with whole avocado became my midnight snack and during the holidays played with creating some semi clean deserts well I had to make sure no one would get sick….well they didn’t wasn’t much left to share.  Not a fan of candy but a few late nights in the office no food packed for working past 6 so one trip turned to two turned to three.  Even as I write this I’m feeling a bit discouraged in myself and wondering if others should I tell…hell they can see it, what would they think and or say “the rise and fall of PJH, it happens to the best of them”.  Yet on the other side of the spectrum I enjoyed ever stinkin moment in my land of IDGAS.

It was planned that I return the middle of December which I did but just walking in the gym brought on a weight of heaviness that I could not shake.  Missed my friends/trainer but the thought of pulling it all together all but made me sick to my stomach.  My heart was longing for it, my body was dying for it but my mind was not on board and I know better than to go anywhere if I’m not mentally prepared for the journey.  I set a date for the 1^st of Jan and my coach agreed adding that he didn’t want me back unless it was ALL of me. 

It’s hasn’t been but 10 days and it’s a slow start I’m not going to lie.  I’ve had to reach back to a box that I had marked been there done that for I now needed a larger size.  I think my daughter was quietly rejoicing I had to return the clothes I had borrowed from her closet.  Got new meal plan, working everything into my brain until it is converted to auto pilot, updated outlook, gmail, notification on phone to remind me to eat, what to eat, getting use to packing clothes, 4:00 a.m. wake up, getting to bed early, being more productive at work so I can leave on time for training.  Oh guess this is where I tell you change of plans…rather than take the year off as originally planned I’m going to put my efforts into sealing a pro card this year.  So it’s back to business and then some. 

Recently brushed my toe against a pebble it looked a bit like doubt maybe more like fear I knew enough not to pick it up but I also knew I could not ignore it so I kicked it took a step and kicked it again took a step and kicked it again…I was moving forward yes, but it remained ahead of me visible for me to see.  I was playing with it vs taking care of business.  Yesterday I got some news from a dear friend a/k/a Bro n Law and something deep within rose up in me that force a verbal response I stood caught a glimpse of the pebble and gave it one hard kick sent it into the air I did.  I have my first measurement/BF reading tonight and I’m not going to lie I’m a bit apprehensive but it’s not going to show anything that my coach hasn’t already seen since my return.  I’ll take it for what its worth I know it’s not the death of me but a new place of greater beginning.

So this is me, real, raw and FREE. 

Most people achieved their greatest success one step beyond what looked like their greatest failure.
Brian Tracy